Friday, January 11, 2008

from the mouths of babes

During the course of raising kids I have been privileged to a lot of grammatical inventions. Let me list a few and give an explanation:

1. Ducky Duck – this is the Disney Duck that we all know and love.
2. Ford Wheel Drive – a vehicle that has power to the front and the back wheels.
3. Henny Bill – the former British television star (you may know him as Benny Hill)
4. Long One – the surprise that is sometimes left in diapers.
5. Minnie Meat – the famous Disney mouse.
6. Muck – the white liquid that we pour on cereal
7. Nema – the yellow fruit that has appeal.
8. Punchin – the sweet science of pugilism.
9. Pussgetti – The long pasta, commonly served with sauce (this may have already been invented, but it was used extensively, none the less.)
10. Sixdriver – this is what you are, if you purchase a year or so of a magazine or newspaper. (Actually was invented while playing the Nintendo video game Paper Boy)
11. Stoolette – the apparatus in all bathrooms. Was most likely a cross between “stool” and “toilet”.
12. Yate – to despise or really not like.
13. Yereal – this is what you pour muck on and eat for breakfast.
14. Yotgun – a gun with no rifling and shoots pellets. (As you can see, one of the kids was very fond of the letter “y”.)
15. Siglee – means “Look!” or “See!” (I was told that I invented that back in the early 50s.)

And now I shall attempt to write a story, using all of these great words and phrases:

I went into the kitchen to make my breakfast. I got out a box of yereal and retrieved a nema from the fruit bowl. Then I peered inside the fridge. There, behind the bowl of leftover pussgetti was what I was looking for. It was a gallon of muck.

Then I heard a noise outside. Walking over to the window I saw a Ford Wheel Drive truck pull into the driveway.

I didn’t like the looks of the people inside the truck so I went to the closet to get my yotgun (just in case). On the way there, I just about tripped over a stuffed Minnie Meat and Ducky Duck that someone had left on the living room floor.

Then I saw the strangest sight. My little rat terrier, Chip, was on the couch flipping through the TV channels. He was watching punchin, and then he turned to the Henny Bill Show by laying his foot on the remote (that had been left on the couch). Then he shook his head and jumped off the couch.

After that, he went to the front door and scratched. “I’ll take you out in just a minute, little fella,” I told him.

And if that wasn’t strange enough, I heard the stoolette flush in the guest bathroom. The door opened and our other dog Baby, walked out. “Maybe this is a dream,” I told myself.

I almost got to the door when the phone rang. Some woman (that could barely speak English) wanted to know if I was a sixdriver of their magazine. I told her yes and then hung up the phone.

Next thing I knew, the truck was leaving. I guess they had the wrong address. So I went into the bedroom and told my wife about these amazing incidents and she rolled over and glanced at me.

“Don’t be silly,” she chuckled. Chip can’t watch TV. You know he’s blind and can’t siglee anything.

“What was it I was going to do? Well, it’ll come to me eventually,” I thought. So I decided to go back into the kitchen for a much needed breakfast.

Walking through the living room I heard a “squish”. I looked down and my memory was refreshed. There on the rug, were the remnants of a long one (that Chip had left). Boy do I yate it when that happens!

I decided to wash my foot in the shower, clean the rug and then go back to bed. Maybe yereal, muck, and a nema were not in the cards for today.

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